Two Types of Emotional Avoidance in Relationships and Why It Hurts So Much
TL;DR: Many of us are terrified of our own feelings, relationships, and even ourselves. Emotional avoidance is one of the biggest ways this fear shows up. But not all avoidance is the same. One comes from old wounds, childhood environments where emotions were shut down or punished. The other hides behind toxic positivity or manipulation. Both cut us off from connection, but for different reasons. If this feels familiar, therapy is a place to finally face these fears, instead of endlessly running from them.
When closeness feels like danger — emotional avoidance protects us from pain but keeps us from connection
Why We Fear Our Feelings, Ourselves, Our Feelings, and Intimacy in our Relationships
It’s one of the most human struggles:
Fear of your own feelings Because they once felt too dangerous, too overwhelming, or never welcome.
Fear of relationships Because closeness feels like a trap, a place where you’ll lose yourself or be hurt.
Fear of yourself Because somewhere deep down, you carry shame that whispers “something is wrong with me.”
If you find yourself shutting down when emotions rise, smiling through pain, or keeping people at arm’s length, know this: these are survival strategies. They were learned long ago, often in childhood, and they make sense. But survival strategies can become prisons.
What Is Emotional Avoidance in Relationships?
1. Emotional Avoidance from Attachment Trauma
Signs you may have avoidant attachment
This is the quieter kind. You may have grown up in an environment where:
Vulnerability was punished or mocked (“Stop crying,” “Toughen up”).
Love and attention felt conditional, only given when you behaved or stayed small.
Caregivers were unpredictable. Warm one day, cold or critical the next.
So you learned to shut down. To stay safe, you became self-reliant, hyper-independent. In relationships, you might want closeness but push it away when it feels too risky. You might long to be seen, yet hide the parts of yourself that need love the most.
This isn’t cruelty. It’s protection. But it leaves partners confused and you lonely, caught between craving connection and fearing it.
2. Emotional Avoidance Through Narcissistic Defenses
Why toxic positivity can feel like gaslighting
This isn’t the same thing as avoidant attachment, though the two often get confused. Narcissistic defense uses emotional avoidance differently:
It hides behind toxic positivity (“just stay happy, don’t be so negative”).
It relies on grandiosity or control to push away vulnerability.
It can leave partners gaslighting themselves, doubting whether their feelings are “valid” because the narcissistic person has rewritten reality.
Unlike avoidant attachment, which is about protection from overwhelming intimacy, narcissistic avoidance is about control. The mask of cheerfulness or superiority hides terror of weakness.
Why This Matters for You: How Emotional Avoidance Impacts Relationships
Because if you’re reading this, chances are:
You’re tired of living guarded.
You want love and closeness, but something inside always sabotages it.
You’ve been called “cold,” “selfish,” or even “narcissistic,” when really, you’re just scared.
Healing Emotional Avoidance Through Therapy
Learning to feel without fear
You don’t have to live like this. Therapy is not about blaming you for the strategies you learned, it’s about gradually unlearning them, so you can feel without drowning, love without losing yourself, and finally come home to yourself.
A Final Word
Emotional avoidance isn’t weakness. It’s a scar from learning too early that your feelings were dangerous. But scars can be tended to. Therapy is where you learn not to fear yourself anymore.
If you see yourself in this, reach out. You don’t have to keep living at arm’s length from your own life.
Ready to stop avoiding your own feelings?
If this topic connects with your experience, discover how I help clients work through it…
FAQ: Emotional Avoidance, Trauma, and Therapy
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No. Emotional avoidance is a survival strategy. It kept you safe once, but now it may be keeping you from the life, love and relationships you want. Narcissism is different because it is motivated by control rather than protection.
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Because what you avoid is what controls you. Therapy helps you face your feelings at a pace your nervous system can actually handle.
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Yes, because the patterns you live today were shaped there. Understanding them isn’t about blame. It’s about reclaiming your freedom now that you’re an adult.
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That’s common. Avoidance often makes our emotions feel “numbed out” or confusing. Therapy encourages you to name, tolerate, and experience your feelings instead of running from them.
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Yes. But hyper-independence that keeps everyone at a distance can be a lonely place to be. Therapy helps you keep your strength and have the type of relationships you really want to have in your life.
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Avoidance often comes from early attachment wounds where closeness felt unsafe or overwhelming. The body and nervous system learned to protect you by pulling away when intimacy appears.
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Yes. Therapy helps uncover the roots of avoidance and create new, healthier ways of relating. It’s not quick, but with consistent work, you can face what was once unbearable and build the capacity for closeness.
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Not always. Some avoidance is driven by narcissistic defences that aim to control rather than protect. The key is whether avoidance comes from fear and shame, or from a strategy to dominate and distance.