Why Feelings Don’t Make Us Ill, and What Actually Does
We struggle not because of our feelings, but because of how we’ve learned to avoid them.
This idea comes from a well-researched therapy approach called ISTDP (Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy), endorsed by industry-leading professionals. You don’t need to know the theory to understand the logic behind it. It’s grounded in how the human nervous system actually works.
Feelings are not the problem
Feelings like sadness, anger, fear, love, or joy are built-in biological signals.
In simple terms:
Sadness helps us process loss
Anger helps us protect boundaries
Fear helps us respond to danger
Love drives connection and repair
When feelings are allowed to be fully experienced, they rise, peak, and pass. Even strong feelings are temporary.
So why don’t they pass?
Because many of us learned early on that certain feelings were not safe.
This might have come from:
Fear of upsetting someone
Fear of being judged or rejected
Fear of conflict
Fear of being too much, or not enough
When a feeling threatens something important, like attachment, approval, or self-image, the nervous system reacts.
Anxiety is the warning signal
Anxiety isn’t random. It’s the body saying:
“Something about this feeling doesn’t feel safe.”
This can show up as:
Muscle tension
Tight chest
Dizziness
Nausea
Racing thoughts
Going blank or spaced out
Anxiety is not an illness. It’s the alarm.
Defence mechanisms: the mind’s short-term solution
When anxiety rises, the mind does something clever and automatic: it tries to stop the feeling.
These are called defence mechanisms and everyone has them.
Common examples include:
Overthinking instead of feeling
Pleasing others
Joking or minimising
Numbing out
Self-criticism
Avoiding conflict
Saying “I don’t know”
Staying busy or distracted
Defences are not bad or wrong. They are learned strategies to ‘protect’ us.
The unintended cost of defences
Here’s the paradox.
Defences block the feeling, but they don’t resolve it.
So our system gets stuck in a loop:
A feeling starts
Anxiety rises
A defence cuts the feeling off
The feeling never completes
Anxiety lingers or moves into the body
Over time, this can show up as:
Chronic anxiety
Low mood or numbness
Exhaustion
Physical symptoms
Relationship patterns repeating
Feeling stuck or passive
What often gets confused is - The symptom isn’t the feeling, the symptom is the price of avoiding the feeling.
Why our problems keep repeating
Defences don’t just block feelings, They are actually how we handle feelings, and they also shape how we see the world.
For example:
If anger is blocked, others may feel controlling or unfair
If closeness is defended against, relationships stay distant
If sadness is avoided, life can feel flat or meaningless
The same triggers keep returning because the underlying emotion has never had a chance to fully move through.
What therapy does differently
This kind of therapy doesn’t try to “get rid of feelings.”
It helps you:
Notice anxiety in the body
Recognise the defences that appear automatically
Gently reduce those defences
Experience feelings safely, at a manageable pace
When defences soften, two things usually happen:
Anxiety settles
Emotions resolve instead of circulating
That’s when symptoms often reduce, and sometimes surprisingly quickly!
The hopeful part
Nothing here means you are broken, or there is something ‘wrong’ with you
Your mind and body adapted to earlier circumstances the best way they could. Those strategies were once protective, even necessary.
Therapy is about updating the system, helping your nervous system learn that feelings no longer equal danger.
When that learning happens, symptoms often stop being needed.
Not because life becomes easy, but because you become more able to face it as you are.
FAQ
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Not exactly.
Feelings themselves don’t cause anxiety. Anxiety appears when a feeling doesn’t feel safe to have, often because of past experiences, learned rules, or fear of consequences.
The feeling is natural.
Anxiety is the warning signal that the nervous system has learned the feeling might be risky.
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No. And it’s important to be clear about that.
Anxiety and defences are automatic. They develop early, often without conscious choice, as intelligent adaptations to earlier environments.
The issue isn’t about blame. It’s what once protected you may now be costing you.
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Because the protection may no longer be needed in the same way.
Defences are useful when danger is real. They become a problem when they stay active long after the original threat has passed.
Therapy isn’t about ripping defences away. It’s about helping your nervous system update its understanding of safety.
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This is one of the most common fears.
In reality, emotions that are approached gradually and safely tend to:
peak and settle
reduce anxiety over time
leave people feeling clearer and more grounded
What overwhelms people is not feeling, it’s blocking feelings while anxiety stays high.
Therapy focuses on pacing, not flooding.
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That’s very common, and meaningful.
Emotional numbness is often a sign of strong protection, not absence of feeling. It’s our system saying:
“Feeling hasn’t felt safe for a long time.”
Therapy works respectfully with numbness, rather than pushing through it.
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Coping strategies help manage symptoms.
This approach focuses on why the symptoms are there in the first place.
Instead of helping you tolerate anxiety forever, the work aims to reduce the need for anxiety by helping unresolved emotional processes complete.
Both have value. They simply work at different depths.
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Not always, and that’s part of working responsibly.
This kind of therapy works best when:
There is some capacity to notice bodily reactions
Defences can be observed together
Pacing can be adjusted carefully
A good therapist will assess this with you and adjust the work accordingly.
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No.
Physical symptoms are real, distressing, and worthy of medical assessment.
Anxiety is very real and very much felt in our body.
What this approach adds is the understanding that ongoing emotional tension can affect the body, especially when feelings are repeatedly interrupted.
Both medical and psychological perspectives matter.
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There’s no single answer.
Some people notice changes quickly once the cycle is interrupted. Others need slower, steadier work to build safety and emotional capacity.
The focus is not speed, it’s effectiveness and durability.
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Not to eliminate feelings.
The aim is to help you:
feel without being overwhelmed
respond instead of react
relate more freely to yourself and others
When feelings become safe to experience, symptoms often stop doing so much work.