Because these struggles aren’t random; they trace back to three core emotional fears:
The fear of your feelings
The fear of closeness
The fear of yourself
They show up as the same anxiety that won’t subside, the familiar patterns you can’t break that keep pulling you back into old pain, and the inner critic that punishes you for simply being human.
This is the unfinished business from the past. Still alive, still shaping your choices, until you finally turn toward it
The sections below describe three common patterns. You may recognise yourself in one, or parts of all three.
You don’t need to read all of this for it to matter. If something catches your attention, that’s enough.
Are you scared to feel something?
You might live with a constant sense of tension or overwhelm. Or you might feel strangely flat, disconnected, or numb.
You try to manage your emotions, stay in control, or push things aside. But the feelings keep finding their way back, through anxiety, exhaustion, or a sense that something inside you is blocked.
Anxiety isn’t random
It’s the body’s way of warning you about feelings you’ve learned to fear. The more you try to fight or suppress them, the louder anxiety becomes.
When you allow feelings to surface, they don’t destroy you. They move, resolve, and make space for relief, clarity, and aliveness.
Anxiety no longer has to do the job of protecting you. When feelings are avoided long enough, they don’t disappear; they turn into shutdown, numbness, or depression.
Which brings us to the next pattern.
Who or what are you distancing from?…
You might want connection, but feel yourself pulling back when it gets close. Or you might cling tightly, fear being left, or react strongly to small shifts in others.
You notice patterns repeating, with partners, friends, colleagues, even therapists. Different people… same feelings.
Relationship problems aren’t random.
They’re shaped by early fears of closeness, abandonment, or suffocation. When closeness once felt unsafe, distance became protection.
Those protections can show up in different ways:
Pulling away when someone gets close
Lashing out, testing, or withdrawing
Clinging, reassurance-seeking, or fear of being left
Although you may think you have character flaws. These protections are survival strategies that outlived the danger that created them.
Whose voice are you really hearing when you pull away, lash out, or cling on?
When the past is separated from the present, closeness becomes a choice rather than a threat.
You can respond to the person in front of you, instead of replaying old fears. Connection starts to feel safer and more real. When closeness has felt dangerous for long enough, the past can begin to run the present.
Which brings us to the next pattern.
What happens when you turn toward yourself?
You might be hard on yourself in ways you’d never be with anyone else. An inner critic keeps watch, pointing out flaws, mistakes, or what you “should” be doing differently.
You may feel unsure who you are beneath the roles you play, pleasing, achieving, coping, holding it together. When things slow down, discomfort, shame, or self-doubt rush in.
Is this really because you think your broken?
It’s because turning inward once felt unsafe. When being yourself led to criticism, rejection, or pressure to change, distance from the self became protection.
That protection can take many forms:
Harsh self-criticism or perfectionism
Self-sabotage just as things improve
Feeling “not enough” or fundamentally flawed
Losing a sense of direction or desire
Although these may look and feel like personal failures. They are ways of keeping yourself small to stay safe.
If the inner critic wasn’t in charge, who might you be?
When fear of yourself loosens, energy turns back toward living rather than self-policing. You begin to recognise a self that isn’t defined by others’ approval, but grounded in your own worth and direction.
These three fears often work together, fear of feeling, fear of closeness, fear of yourself. Therapy is where they can be faced, understood, and gradually released.
Facing these fears feels unbearable. But it’s also where real freedom begins…
Because underneath all the panic, shame, and destructive patterns is the part of you that wants to live differently. The part that refuses to settle for the same cycles on repeat. The part that knows life can be more than just emotional survival.
Therapy is where you stop running. Turn towards what feels impossible, and discover what changes when you finally face it…
Book a consultation
Ready to stop running from this?…
If what you’ve read here resonates, don’t put it off. Take the first step, reach out and let’s start making sense of what’s been holding you back.
FAQ
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Relationship self-sabotage often comes from unconscious fears of closeness, intimacy, or abandonment. In therapy, we look beneath the surface to uncover where these fears began and how they shape the present. With support, you can move from pushing people away to creating healthier, more secure connections.
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Anxiety isn’t random.
Persistent anxiety usually signals emotional conflict beneath the surface. Anxiety is often tied to feelings you’ve been avoiding for years. Therapy helps to uncover these hidden patterns, in turn, reducing anxiety while building the capacity to feel and manage your emotions more freely.
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Harsh self-criticism often comes from an internalised voice, which is critical and punishing and turns you against yourself. Therapy helps to challenge this inner critic and strengthen your healthier, adaptive self, so you can begin relating to yourself without collapsing into shame.
The harsh inner critic is usually the voice of past experiences, not your true self. Therapy helps loosen shame’s grip so you can relate to yourself with more confidence, without losing your drive.
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When your history still lives on inside you, old coping strategies get triggered again and again. Therapy helps you recognise these cycles and finally step out of them. Breaking free from repetition into emotional freedom.
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Yes. While surface-level coping strategies often provide temporary relief, psychodynamic therapy works at the emotional core. By addressing feelings and defences you are unaware of, even deeply rooted problems like chronic anxiety, shame, trauma, or relationship struggles can shift in lasting ways.. It’s hard work, but it’s where freedom begins.
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Absolutely. Online therapy creates a focused, safe space to explore the issues holding you back, no matter where you are, while still going to the root of the problem.