Why Therapy? The Real Question Nobody Asks
TL;DR: Depth therapies are not about solving problems. They are actually about discovering how much capacity you have to sit with something painful, feel it fully, and resist the urge to avoid or numb yourself. That capacity changes everything: your relationships, your choices, and your sense of self.
How imperfect can you be?” A bold reminder that therapy begins when we stop chasing perfection
Beyond the List of Symptoms: The Real Question Nobody Asks…
Most people come to therapy armed with a list of symptoms:
“I need to fix my anxiety”
“I need to stop dating the wrong people,”
“I need to silence the inner critic”
These are valid goals, but they treat the symptoms as the problem itself.
In psychodynamic depth psychotherapy, we ask a different question, one that points directly to the root of your suffering and the potential for long-term change:
“How much capacity do you have to face something difficult: feelings, truths, relationships, without letting anxiety drive you back into the very same defences that are keeping you stuck?”
This is the real question nobody asks, because answering it requires courage and a willingness to confront the painful patterns that have held you captive. True healing isn't about coping better; it’s about restoring your capacity to feel deeply and fully.
The Core Problem: The Failure of Capacity
Why is capacity the core issue? Because the anxiety, self-sabotage, and repeating relationship patterns are all the result of a system overwhelmed by unprocessed emotional history.
When the sources confirm your specialisation in emotional avoidance, anxiety, and shame, we recognise that the avoidance itself is a desperate attempt to survive feelings that felt too big or too dangerous in the past. Your system learned to manage this danger by developing rigid defences.
The tragic result is a life where your history still lives on inside you. You are emotionally surviving rather than living fully, because the capacity to stay present with vulnerability has atrophied.
“The real work of therapy isn’t to make the pain disappear, but to grow your capacity to feel it without running away.”
Mobilizing Capacity Through Challenge
Our therapy focuses actively on strengthening this internal capacity using the relational space of the session. We use the Therapy FAD Framework (Feelings–Anxiety–Defence) to map the process:
• Defence: We observe the moment you pull back, intellectualise, or divert the conversation (the defence). This is where the old pattern attempts to reassert control.
• Anxiety: When the defence is challenged, anxiety rises. Instead of avoiding it, we guide you to track it in your body, teaching your system that the anxiety, while uncomfortable, is tolerable.
• Feelings: By managing the anxiety, you build the internal muscle required to finally access the feelings you have avoided for years (grief, rage, self-compassion).
The purpose of this focus is to stop you from letting anxiety drive you back into the defences that keep you stuck. This is the courage required for emotional integration.
The Result: A Life More Your Own
If you are tired of feeling stuck, the depth of this work provides the solution. We are not just looking for short-term relief; we are aiming for lasting change.
By consistently choosing to confront the fears and build capacity, you fundamentally alter your relationship with yourself. You begin to realise that the pain you feel isn’t who you are; it’s what you’ve carried.
The result is a self that is more your own, more connected, more grounded, and more yourself. This profound transformation is the answer to the real question of therapy; it's where freedom begins.
Beneath every question in therapy lies one universal demand: truth. What Cures in Therapy Is Truth explores how facing what we fear transforms avoidance into integration.
If this reflection resonates, you might explore:
Why We Repeat What Hurts Us: The Pull of Familiar Pain
The Song That Saves You: What Johnny Cash Can Teach Us About Authenticity in Therapy
Depth therapy is so much more about ‘coping better’, it’s about recovering feelings..
Explore more in reflections
Do you have questions you're afraid of asking yourself?
If this topic connects with your experience, discover how I help clients work through it…
FAQ: Why Therapy? Answering the real questions no one asks
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No. Therapy is for anyone who wants to increase their capacity to feel, relate, and live their life to their fullest capacity.
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That fear is part of the process. Therapy helps you face it at a pace you can handle without judgment and without pressure. Building emotional capacity takes time, and therapy provides a safe environment to practice.
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Yes. When you increase your ability to tolerate feelings, you stop pushing people away or clinging to them and instead begin connecting authentically. Therapy helps you strengthen those emotional muscles.
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Avoidance might feel easier in the short term, but unprocessed feelings don’t disappear; they quietly shape your present choices until you face them. Therapy helps you work through the past so it no longer dictates your present.
