Beneath the Noise Around Masculinity: What I Actually See in Therapy
Public discussions about masculinity have become increasingly loud and polarised, particularly following recent media coverage of online “manosphere” communities following Louis Theroux’s documentary on the manosphere.
In therapy, however, the picture is usually much quieter. Many of the men who seek support are not driven by hostility or ideology, but by loneliness, shame, and uncertainty about how they are supposed to navigate vulnerability, relationships, and emotional life.
These struggles often look less like cultural conflict and more like personal difficulty with recognising and expressing feelings. When men begin to develop the capacity to understand their emotional experiences rather than suppress them, relationships often improve, defensiveness softens, and a more grounded sense of identity can begin to emerge.
Public debates about masculinity are often loud. In therapy, the picture is usually quieter.
A psychotherapist’s reflections on masculinity, loneliness, and emotional life in the therapy room
There has been a lot of discussion recently about masculinity, particularly following Louis Theroux’s documentary exploring online “manosphere” communities.
I have not watched the documentary, although it has been difficult to miss the conversation surrounding it online. Clips, commentary, and reactions have circulated widely across social media.
Rather than responding to the programme itself, it may be more useful to speak from the place I know best: the therapy room.
Because when conversations about masculinity become loud in public debate, the experiences that men quietly bring into therapy often look quite different.
What men actually talk about in therapy
In therapy I often see that beneath the rhetoric around masculinity there is usually something much simpler: men who feel uncertain, isolated, and unsure where they belong.
The men I see in therapy are usually not driven by hostility toward women. They’re more often struggling with loneliness, shame, and uncertainty about who they’re supposed to be.
Many have absorbed the message that they should manage everything alone. That they should stay composed, independent, and unaffected by vulnerability.
When difficulties arise such as relationship struggles, work pressure, rejection, loss, those expectations can leave them with very few places to take what they are feeling.
Often the result is silence.
The difficulty with emotional language
Another pattern that appears frequently is difficulty recognising or naming feelings and locating underlying emotions.
A man may describe anger, frustration, or a sense that something in life is “off”. But underneath that there can be sadness, grief, disappointment, or shame that has never really been spoken about before.
When emotions have been pushed aside for many years, they do not disappear. They tend to surface indirectly, through tension, irritability, withdrawal, or a sense of being disconnected from others.
Therapy often becomes the first place where these experiences can be slowed down and understood instead of dismissed.
Why online messages can feel appealing
In recent years there has been a rise in online content offering strong opinions about masculinity and relationships.
For someone already feeling uncertain or rejected, these messages can feel appealing because they offer clarity and direction.
They present simple explanations for complex emotional experiences.
When frustration or loneliness is framed purely as a cultural conflict, it can move people further away from understanding what is actually happening inside their own lives.
What tends to help men in therapy
In therapy the work is usually slower and less dramatic than the conversations happening online.
It often begins with something basic: helping someone notice what they feel, where they feel it, and what situations bring those feelings up.
Over time many men discover that the emotions they have been avoiding are not as overwhelming as they feared. They begin to tolerate them, understand them, and respond to them differently.
As that capacity grows, relationships often change as well.
Communication becomes clearer. Defensiveness softens. Difficult situations become easier to navigate.
This is simply because emotional understanding has increased, and not a result of masculinity being redefined.
A quieter conversation about masculinity
Public conversations about masculinity often become polarised very quickly.
Yet in therapy, the picture tends to be quieter and more human.
Many men are not searching for dominance, status, or power. They are trying to understand themselves, their relationships, and how they fit into a world that feels like it has changed.
When men are given space to talk honestly about vulnerability rather than suppress it, something important tends to happen.
They become less rigid and more reflective, and more able to build the kind of relationships they actually want.
If discussions about masculinity are to become more useful, they may need to move away from arguments about identity and return to something more basic.
Helping men develop the capacity to understand their emotions, rather than teaching them to ignore them.
Because that is where meaningful change usually begins.
Explore more in: psychotherapy in the media
media depth emotion betterhelp reflections quizzesFrequently Asked Questions About Masculinity, the ‘Manosphere’ and What Actually Happens in Therapy
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The “manosphere” is a loose collection of online communities, influencers, and forums that discuss masculinity, dating, and gender roles. Some spaces focus on self-improvement or men’s issues, while others promote more rigid or adversarial views about relationships between men and women.
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Many young men are navigating uncertainty about identity, relationships, and their place in the world. Online influencers often offer simple explanations and clear rules about masculinity and success. For someone feeling confused or isolated, that sense of certainty and belonging can be appealing.
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“Toxic masculinity” is a term used to describe cultural expectations that discourage emotional expression and emphasise dominance, control, or toughness as defining traits of masculinity. Critics of the concept sometimes argue the term can feel accusatory, while supporters use it to highlight how restrictive gender expectations can affect men’s wellbeing.
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Many clinicians and researchers report growing concerns about men’s loneliness, social isolation, and reluctance to seek support. While the causes are complex, factors such as social change, economic pressure, and shifting expectations around masculinity can contribute to feelings of uncertainty and emotional disconnection.
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Many men grow up receiving messages that emotional vulnerability should be controlled or hidden. Over time this can make it difficult to recognise or express feelings openly. Therapy often involves slowly developing the capacity to notice emotions, tolerate them, and communicate them in ways that feel manageable.
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Yes. Therapy provides a structured and confidential space where men can explore emotional experiences that may have been difficult to discuss elsewhere. As emotional awareness develops, many people find their relationships improve and their sense of direction becomes clearer.
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Developing emotional awareness, building supportive relationships, and learning to tolerate difficult feelings can all play a role. Therapy often focuses on helping people recognise patterns in their emotional responses so they can respond to challenges with greater clarity and flexibility.
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Public debates about masculinity can shape how men think about themselves and their relationships. For some people these discussions can increase confusion or defensiveness, while for others they can prompt reflection about emotional life and identity.
Written by Rick Cox, MBACP (Accred)
Psychodynamic Psychotherapist, UK & Online
