What Therapists Feel But Rarely Say
TL;DR: Behind the Room: Psychodynamic therapist Rick Cox reveals the truth of the therapeutic relationship, explaining countertransference, the courage of clients, and how facing emotional avoidance leads to freedom.
Behind the room: part 3 of the 3-part series.
Explore more in: The Therapist’s Silence: What it really means and What Your Therapist Really Thinks About You
What therapists feel is often invisible, sensed, contained, and held behind the quiet door of the work
The Myth of Therapist Neutrality
Clients often walk into therapy holding an image of the perfect therapist: a perpetually calm, slightly distant figure, a blank slate who simply absorbs your pain. This is a comforting fantasy, rooted in the understandable fear of being a burden or the primal fear of hurting the person you are beginning to rely on.
But here is the truth, spoken from behind the room: Therapists feel too. We are not passive mirrors. The reason this work is transformative is precisely because it is a relationship, and relationships, by nature, are deeply emotional. It is the relationship that heals.
If we pretend the emotion stays only on your side of the room, we miss the heart of psychodynamic work. What we as therapists feel is vital data, often reflecting the unconscious emotional patterns you have been avoiding for years.
The Weight of Courage, and the Fear We See
The emotion we feel most acutely is often the sheer weight of your courage.
You come in carrying the unfinished business of your life, the history that lives on inside you and dictates your present. You are feeling the anxiety, the shame, and the punishing internal voice that keeps you stuck. To confront these things, to stop running from them, is an extraordinary act.
What we rarely say aloud, especially when you are caught in self-criticism or doubt, is how deeply moved we are by the risk you take simply by showing up and choosing to engage. We feel the anxiety rise as your old defences crack, and we feel the profound responsibility of holding that space safely.
The Unspoken Frustration
There are moments when we feel something that looks a lot like frustration. But it’s not frustration with you; it is frustration with the pattern.
In our ISTDP-informed approach, we understand therapy through the FAD Framework: Feelings, Anxiety, and Defences. When we see you almost reach the emotional truth, the feeling that needs to be fully experienced to heal, only to slam the door shut with a familiar defence mechanism (like denial, intellectualisation, or self-attack), we feel the pain of that protective retreat too.
Love and Loss
Psychodynamic work requires the therapist to engage fully; we cannot merely skim the surface. This means our internal world is inevitably impacted by yours, a process we call counter-transference.
When the sources state that the therapeutic exchange involves "empathy, frustration, and love that is felt and processed into understanding", this touches on the most profound unspoken experience.
• Empathy: We feel the echo of your pain, especially the loneliness and relationship struggles you describe. We feel the sadness of what you’ve carried.
• Love (in a clinical sense): We feel genuine care for the adaptive, courageous part of you seeking freedom. This is often manifested as a fierce loyalty to your true self, demanding the courage it takes to tell the truth.
• Processing into Understanding: The unspoken part is the internal work we do, using these feelings as tools to clarify what you are unconsciously communicating. When we feel a sudden rush of protective anger, it might signal that you are unconsciously reliving a past dynamic where you were attacked. This emotion isn't disclosed casually; it is silently processed and transformed into a precise intervention aimed at helping you access your buried feelings.
The Purpose of Transparency
The purpose of sharing these reflections, of showing what happens behind the room, is not to make therapy about the therapist. It is to remind you that therapy is an authentic human connection built on integrity, depth, and relational presence.
You do not have to keep surviving emotionally. Transformation isn’t neat; it is hard, uncomfortable, and anxiety-provoking. But when you stop running from the pain you have carried, you discover the power of your own emotional truth, and that is where the journey, Where Fear Meets Freedom, truly begins.
Continue reading the Behind the Room series: The Therapist’s Silence: What it really means and What Your Therapist Really Thinks About You
If this reflection resonates, you might explore:
What Cures in Therapy Is Truth…
The Psychology of the Inner Critic: How the Voice Inside You Took Power
The Man in Black: How Johnny Cash (and My Therapy Uniform) Teach Us About Containment
Therapists don’t feel any less in life; we work to feel with you without taking the steering wheel from your hands.
Explore more in reflections
So, now you know…
If this topic connects with your experience, discover how I help clients work through it…
FAQ: What Therapists Feel But Rarely Say
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Yes. Therapists experience emotions continuously. empathy, sadness, sometimes frustration, but their skill lies in how they contain and interpret those feelings. In psychodynamic therapy, the therapist’s own emotional responses form part of the diagnostic and relational understanding rather than personal expression.
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Countertransference refers to the therapist’s emotional reaction to the client’s unconscious material. It matters because these reactions often reveal hidden aspects of the client’s internal world. When handled reflectively, countertransference becomes a clinical compass, pointing toward what the client cannot yet articulate.
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Through supervision, self-reflection, and continuous training. Ethical therapists learn to notice their internal responses, understand their origins, and use them therapeutically. The goal isn’t detachment but disciplined empathy, being emotionally present while keeping the focus on the client’s process.
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Because therapy isn’t about the therapist’s emotional release. The therapist’s role is to hold a reflective container where the client’s feelings can emerge safely. When disclosure does happen, it’s intentional, to deepen insight or strengthen the therapeutic alliance, never to relieve the therapist’s own tension.
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It humanises the process. Knowing that therapists are emotionally attuned, not robotic, helps clients realise that therapy is a living relationship. The therapist’s composure isn’t coldness; it’s capacity. That awareness can reduce shame and foster genuine relational trust.
