What happens when having your own feelings, needs and desires begins to feel like a threat to the relationships you depend upon? Exploring the connection between fear of abandonment, personal autonomy and the difficulty of developing a separate sense of self.
Key question: “Do I really not know what I want, or does something happen inside me when I begin to recognise what I want?”
A symbolic image of blurred, unstable figures, reflecting the tension between emotional attachment and the struggle to maintain a separate sense of self.
We tend to think about the fear of abandonment as a fear of somebody leaving us. Perhaps a partner becomes distant, a friend stops replying, or somebody important seems less interested than before. The possibility of losing that relationship creates anxiety, insecurity or an urgent need for reassurance, sometimes accompanied by an overwhelming sense that something terrible is about to happen.
But there may be another dimension to abandonment anxiety that receives less attention. What happens when the fear of losing somebody begins to interfere with our ability to be ourselves? What if expressing a preference, disagreeing with somebody, feeling angry or simply wanting something different becomes associated with the possibility of rejection?
For some people, the difficulty may not be limited to fearing that others will abandon them. It may also involve learning to abandon their own wishes, feelings and needs in order to preserve an important relationship. Over time, this can create a psychological conflict in which the desire for emotional connection becomes increasingly difficult to reconcile with the experience of having a separate will.
Can we develop a separate sense of ourselves while remaining emotionally connected to the people we love, or might becoming more fully ourselves sometimes feel like a threat to that connection?
For people experiencing certain attachment difficulties, including some of those associated with borderline personality disorder (BPD), this question may be considerably more complicated than it first appears.
The Fear of Abandonment and the Need for Connection
Fear of abandonment is one of the most widely recognised features of borderline personality disorder. Someone experiencing this difficulty may become particularly sensitive to signs of rejection, changes in another person's behaviour or uncertainty about the stability of an important relationship. A delayed message, a disagreement or an unexpected change in plans might activate feelings that become difficult to manage.
These experiences are not simply about disliking separation. They can involve intense emotional states in which the possibility of losing a relationship feels overwhelming, sometimes leading to considerable efforts to restore closeness or obtain reassurance.
However, BPD involves much more than abandonment anxiety. Difficulties with emotional regulation, identity, interpersonal relationships and impulsivity may also be present, and the experience varies considerably between individuals. No single psychological explanation can account for everybody diagnosed with BPD.
Nevertheless, the relationship between attachment and identity deserves particular attention because maintaining a close relationship involves two people who are, fundamentally, separate individuals. Each person has their own feelings, preferences, needs and intentions, which means that differences and disagreements are inevitable.
Healthy relationships allow room for these differences without requiring either person to surrender their individuality. But what happens when someone has learned, through their experiences of relationships, that expressing these differences threatens the relationship itself?
Rather than simply fearing abandonment when somebody becomes distant, they may begin to experience their own independence as something that could provoke that distance.
The psychological conflict is no longer simply about whether another person will stay. It also concerns whether someone can remain connected to another person while continuing to experience themselves as an individual with their own wishes and feelings.
What Happens When an Independent Wish Begins to Emerge?
Imagine someone who has agreed to spend the weekend with their partner. As the weekend approaches, they realise they would actually like some time to themselves, perhaps because they feel tired, want to pursue an interest or simply need an opportunity to rest. Initially, the wish seems straightforward, and they recognise that spending some time alone would be beneficial.
But then they begin imagining their partner's reaction. They wonder whether their partner might feel rejected, become upset or interpret their wish as a sign that something is wrong with the relationship. What began as a relatively uncomplicated personal preference gradually becomes associated with the possibility of disappointing somebody important.
As their anxiety increases, their attention begins to shift away from what they originally wanted. They start questioning whether their wish is reasonable, whether they are being selfish or whether they should feel differently. Perhaps they begin criticising themselves for wanting time alone, despite having recognised that they genuinely needed it.
Eventually, they abandon the idea and agree to spend the weekend together as originally planned. Their anxiety may settle, at least temporarily, because the anticipated disagreement has been avoided. The relationship appears to have been protected, but something important has happened psychologically: the person has moved away from their own wishes in order to avoid the emotional consequences they anticipate from expressing them.
What makes this sequence particularly interesting is that the difficulty did not begin with an inability to recognise what they wanted. The person initially knew what they wanted, but their awareness of that wish was followed by anxiety, self-doubt and self-criticism. By the time they made their decision, their original preference had become much harder to sustain.
From a psychodynamic perspective, we might consider whether a recurring process has developed in which an independent wish emerges, anxiety develops around its anticipated consequences, guilt or self-criticism intervenes, and the original wish becomes inhibited or abandoned. The immediate reduction in anxiety may then reinforce the pattern, making the person increasingly likely to respond in a similar way when another independent wish emerges.
This is a proposed clinical sequence rather than an established universal mechanism. Anxiety may take different forms, and not everybody will respond with self-criticism or inhibition. Nevertheless, recognising the sequence can help us distinguish between someone who genuinely does not know what they want and someone who becomes emotionally conflicted once they begin to recognise it.
It also raises an important question about the meaning of personal choice. There is nothing inherently problematic about deciding to prioritise another person's needs. Relationships require compromise, consideration and sometimes setting aside our own preferences.
The difficulty arises when anxiety, guilt or self-attack interferes with our freedom to make that choice. In such circumstances, what appears to be a voluntary compromise may actually reflect an inability to tolerate the emotional consequences of maintaining an independent position.
The Difference Between Fearing Abandonment and Feeling Guilty About Being Separate
There is an important distinction here that may help explain why these patterns can become so persistent.
In some situations, someone may genuinely fear that expressing an independent wish will cause another person to reject or abandon them. Their anxiety is directed towards an anticipated external consequence, such as a partner becoming angry, withdrawing affection or ending the relationship. The underlying expectation is that asserting their individuality could lead to the loss of somebody important.
But another possibility is that the person experiences anxiety or guilt simply because they have recognised a wish that differs from somebody else's. Even when the other person has not threatened to withdraw, and may actually be quite accepting of their independence, the individual can still feel selfish, disloyal or somehow wrong for wanting something separate.
Consider someone who tells their partner that they would like an evening alone. Their partner responds warmly, understands their need for space and makes alternative plans without any difficulty. Despite this, the person continues to experience guilt, perhaps feeling compelled to apologise, offer excessive reassurance or reverse their decision.
In this situation, the anxiety cannot be explained solely by the partner's actual response. Something within the person's own psychological experience appears to be contributing to the difficulty, even when the relationship itself remains secure.
From a psychodynamic perspective, we might consider whether the person has internalised expectations about what it means to be acceptable, loving or deserving of attachment. Their independent wishes may activate guilt or self-criticism because they conflict with these internal expectations, rather than because somebody is currently threatening to abandon them.
The fear of abandonment concerns what another person might do, while guilt about separateness concerns what having an independent will has come to mean about oneself.
These experiences can overlap and reinforce one another, but they are not necessarily identical. Someone may fear another person's withdrawal, feel guilty about disappointing them, or experience both simultaneously. Understanding which process is operating may be particularly important in psychotherapy.
It is also necessary to distinguish excessive or punitive guilt from appropriate moral concern. Feeling uncomfortable after treating somebody unfairly does not necessarily indicate a psychological defence. Similarly, anxiety about expressing independence may be entirely understandable within a genuinely controlling, coercive or emotionally unsafe relationship.
The clinical question is not simply whether someone feels guilty or chooses to accommodate another person. It is whether they can recognise their own feelings and needs, consider the circumstances realistically and make a choice without automatically becoming overwhelmed by internal criticism or anticipated rejection.
How Might Having a Separate Will Become Associated With Anxiety?
Our ability to recognise and express our own wishes develops within relationships. As children, we gradually discover that we are separate people with our own feelings, preferences and intentions, and that these do not always correspond with those of our caregivers.
Ideally, children learn that differences can exist without necessarily threatening the relationship. They can experience anger without becoming unlovable, disagree without losing connection and develop their own preferences while remaining emotionally secure.
But development does not always provide these experiences consistently. Some children grow up in environments where expressing independent wishes regularly leads to criticism, emotional withdrawal, conflict or disapproval. Others may become particularly attentive to the emotional needs of caregivers, gradually learning to accommodate other people at the expense of themselves.
In such circumstances, a child may begin to associate certain feelings or wishes with the possibility of losing approval, affection or emotional security. Rather than simply recognising an independent preference, they become concerned about what expressing that preference might mean for their relationship with somebody upon whom they depend.
Over time, these experiences can shape their expectations of themselves and others. The developing child may learn to anticipate another person's feelings before considering their own, to suppress anger when it might create disagreement or to regard their personal needs as less important than maintaining the relationship.
Eventually, the original relationship may no longer need to be present for the pattern to continue. What began as an adaptation to particular interpersonal circumstances can become an internal way of relating to oneself, influencing how the individual responds to their own feelings and wishes long after those early experiences have passed.
This developmental possibility is particularly relevant to the work of psychoanalyst James Masterson, who proposed that difficulties with the development of an independent self could become closely connected to separation anxiety and abandonment-related feelings.
Masterson described a process in which attempts at self-activation, or movement towards greater psychological independence, could activate painful emotional states and subsequently lead to defensive responses. Within this model, the person may retreat from their own wishes not because those wishes are unimportant, but because pursuing them activates emotional conflicts associated with attachment and separation.
His formulation offers a compelling way of understanding why the development of autonomy might itself become emotionally threatening. However, it remains a psychodynamic theory rather than an established explanation for borderline personality disorder as a whole, and the developmental histories of individuals experiencing these difficulties can vary considerably.
When the Conflict Moves Inside: Self-Criticism and the Inhibition of Will
One particularly important development occurs when someone begins to criticise themselves for having feelings or wishes that might create conflict with another person.
Consider someone who feels angry after being treated unfairly by somebody important. Initially, they recognise that something has upset them, and their anger may contain useful information about how they experienced the interaction. Almost immediately, however, they begin questioning whether their reaction is justified.
Perhaps they tell themselves that they are overreacting, being too sensitive or expecting too much. They might feel guilty for being angry or begin considering all the reasons why the other person's behaviour was understandable. Gradually, their attention shifts away from what happened between themselves and the other person towards what might be wrong with them for having felt angry in the first place.
From a psychodynamic perspective, this can sometimes be understood as a form of self-attack. Rather than remaining in contact with an uncomfortable feeling towards somebody important, the person directs criticism against themselves, potentially reducing the anxiety associated with experiencing anger or disagreement within the relationship.
This is relevant to the concept of the superego, which refers to the internalised moral demands, prohibitions and standards through which we evaluate ourselves. Although the superego has important functions in psychological development, it can also become excessively punitive, subjecting the individual to harsh criticism whenever particular feelings, wishes or impulses emerge.
For someone whose internal expectations strongly associate independence with selfishness, disloyalty or the possibility of hurting others, even ordinary personal preferences may activate a critical internal response. The person may experience guilt not because they have actually done something harmful, but because having a separate wish feels inconsistent with what they believe they should be.
The resulting inhibition may become increasingly automatic. Rather than consciously deciding to suppress their wishes, the person begins to experience anxiety or self-criticism so quickly that their original feelings become difficult to recognise.
Over time, their attention may become organised around anticipating what other people need, expect or might find acceptable. Their own preferences can begin to feel uncertain, unreliable or somehow less legitimate than those of others.
The psychological question gradually shifts from "What do I want?" towards "What am I allowed to want?"
When this becomes an established pattern, the person may struggle not only to express their independence but also to trust their own emotional experience. What originally developed as a way of maintaining important relationships can become a persistent source of internal conflict.
What Does the Research Tell Us?
Although the relationship between attachment and autonomy has long been explored in psychodynamic theory, contemporary research has also begun examining the connections between borderline personality difficulties, personal agency and the ability to recognise and sustain one's own psychological experience.
In 2021, researchers Talia Hashworth, Samantha Reis and Brin Grenyer investigated the relationship between personal agency, adult attachment and borderline personality disorder. Their study compared 96 people meeting screening criteria for BPD with 96 participants in a comparison group.
The researchers found that the BPD group reported lower personal agency and greater levels of fearful and preoccupied attachment. Lower personal agency was also associated with attachment insecurity.
These findings are relevant because they suggest that difficulties experiencing personal control and security within relationships may be connected. However, the research used self-report measures, and the participants were identified through screening criteria rather than clinical diagnostic interviews. Personal agency was assessed through locus of control, which is related to, but not identical with, the experience of having and exercising a separate will.
The findings therefore establish associations rather than demonstrating that abandonment anxiety directly inhibits autonomy. Nevertheless, they suggest that the relationship between attachment insecurity and personal agency deserves greater attention in psychological treatment.
The Particularly Interesting Finding: Recognising a Wish and Then Abandoning It
Research into self-invalidation provides an especially relevant perspective on the psychological process considered in this article.
In 2022, Koivisto, Melartin and Lindeman published a qualitative study examining how self-invalidation appeared in the experiences of eight people diagnosed with BPD during a structured psychological treatment programme.
Self-invalidation involves questioning, dismissing or undermining one's own feelings, perceptions or experiences. The researchers identified recurring patterns of harsh self-criticism, self-doubt, submissive behaviour and what they described as self-erasing behaviour.
One finding is particularly striking. Five of the eight participants described experiences in which they initially recognised or validated their own position but subsequently began to undermine or withdraw from it.
In one example, a participant described reaching an agreement with her partner about sharing a practical responsibility. Although her partner had accepted the arrangement without becoming upset, she subsequently experienced guilt and felt compelled to reverse her decision.
The importance of this observation lies in what happened after the interpersonal situation had apparently been resolved. The person had expressed a preference, the other individual had accepted it, and there was no immediate indication that the relationship was threatened. Nevertheless, she became uncomfortable maintaining her original position.
This closely resembles the psychological sequence explored earlier: an independent wish is recognised, uncomfortable feelings emerge, and the person subsequently retreats from their original position.
The researchers did not establish that this process was caused by an unconscious fear of abandonment or separation-related guilt. Their study was qualitative, involved only eight participants and did not test that particular psychodynamic explanation.
However, the findings provide a valuable clinical observation: someone may be capable of recognising and asserting their own wishes, yet subsequently experience such intense self-doubt or guilt that maintaining those wishes becomes difficult.
This distinction may be more informative than simply describing the person as lacking confidence or being unable to make decisions. It directs attention towards the psychological processes that occur after an independent wish has already emerged.
Attachment, Identity and the Experience of Personal Agency
Another relevant area of research concerns self–other differentiation, or the ability to distinguish one's own psychological experience from that of another person.
A 2021 review by De Meulemeester, Lowyck and Luyten examined evidence suggesting that difficulties maintaining a differentiated sense of self and other may contribute to disturbances in identity and personal agency associated with BPD.
Although the available research remains limited, it raises important questions about what happens when someone's feelings, intentions and sense of themselves become strongly influenced by emotionally significant relationships.
More recently, a study published in the March 2026 issue of Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging examined personal agency during the recall of attachment-related autobiographical memories.
Researchers Matthews and colleagues compared 34 people with BPD and 35 participants without the diagnosis. They found that participants with BPD reported a reduced sense of agency when recalling attachment-related memories, whereas reported agency during neutral memories was similar between the groups.
This is particularly interesting because it suggests that personal agency may be more vulnerable within emotionally significant attachment contexts rather than being uniformly diminished across every situation.
However, the research examined the experience of agency during memory recall, not the inhibition of independent wishes during actual interpersonal interactions. It therefore cannot establish the precise psychological mechanism proposed in this article.
Taken together, these studies do not provide a single explanation for borderline personality disorder. What they do offer is evidence that attachment insecurity, personal agency, self-invalidation and difficulties maintaining a differentiated sense of self can be related.
The possibility that an independent wish may activate anxiety, guilt or self-criticism, subsequently interfering with the person's ability to sustain that wish, remains a clinical hypothesis. But it is one that brings several established areas of psychological research into a meaningful conversation.
Why Someone Might Struggle to Know What They Want
We often assume that knowing what we want should be relatively straightforward. When someone repeatedly struggles to make decisions, express preferences or act upon their intentions, we might describe them as indecisive, lacking confidence or uncertain about themselves.
But these descriptions can overlook important differences in what may be happening psychologically. There is a distinction between genuinely struggling to identify a preference and becoming anxious once a preference has been recognised.
In the first situation, the individual may find it difficult to identify their wishes or understand their emotional experience. In the second, they may initially recognise what they want quite clearly, but their awareness of that wish activates anxiety, guilt, shame or self-criticism.
These emotional responses may interfere with their ability to remain connected to the original wish. The person becomes preoccupied with possible consequences, particularly those involving other people, and may eventually lose confidence in what initially seemed straightforward.
This may help explain why reassurance and encouragement do not always resolve difficulties with autonomy. Someone can repeatedly be told that they have a right to make their own decisions, express their feelings or establish boundaries, and they may understand and agree with this intellectually.
However, if exercising an independent will activates anxiety or guilt, knowing that one has a right to choose does not necessarily make choosing emotionally tolerable.
The difficulty may not be a lack of information or understanding, but rather the emotional consequences associated with acting upon that understanding.
It is equally important not to assume that every difficulty with motivation or decision-making reflects an attachment conflict. Depression, trauma, dissociation, executive functioning difficulties and other psychological or environmental factors can produce similar experiences. Understanding what is happening requires attention to the individual rather than imposing a particular theoretical explanation.
The Opposite Fear: What If Closeness Threatens Independence?
There is another complication that makes the relationship between attachment and autonomy particularly interesting. For some people, the difficulty is not only that independence threatens attachment, but that closeness itself can also feel threatening.
Being emotionally close to somebody may activate concerns about losing control, becoming dependent or having one's needs overwhelmed by those of another person. Greater independence may then feel necessary to preserve a sense of self, even while separation activates fears of rejection or abandonment.
This creates a psychological dilemma in which moving towards another person can feel threatening because of the possibility of losing oneself, while moving away can feel threatening because of the possibility of losing the relationship.
In 1989, psychiatrists Melges and Swartz proposed that some of the interpersonal instability associated with borderline personality disorder could be understood through difficulties regulating interpersonal distance. Their model described a conflict between fears of abandonment and domination, in which attempts to achieve greater closeness or greater independence could activate opposing anxieties.
This helps explain why difficulties with autonomy do not always appear as compliance or dependence. Sometimes they may appear as extreme self-reliance, emotional withdrawal or a determination not to need anybody.
In such cases, apparent independence may sometimes function as protection against the vulnerability associated with attachment, rather than reflecting a comfortably integrated sense of autonomy.
The underlying difficulty may still concern the relationship between connection and separateness. The challenge is not necessarily choosing between dependence and independence, but developing the capacity to experience both without treating them as mutually exclusive.
How Psychotherapy Can Help
Psychotherapy can provide an opportunity to understand these patterns as they emerge, particularly when difficulties with autonomy appear closely connected to anxiety, guilt or self-criticism.
Rather than immediately focusing on helping someone become more assertive or make better decisions, the therapeutic work may involve understanding what happens when the person begins to recognise a feeling, preference or intention of their own.
For example, someone may describe feeling frustrated with a partner and initially seem clear about what has upset them. As they continue speaking, however, they may become increasingly anxious, begin questioning their reaction or turn their frustration against themselves.
A therapist working from a psychodynamic perspective might become interested in this change. What happened between the person's initial recognition of their frustration and their subsequent uncertainty? Did anxiety emerge when they considered expressing their feelings, or did guilt and self-criticism begin to interfere with their ability to remain connected to those feelings?
These distinctions can help identify the psychological processes contributing to the difficulty. Rather than treating the person's uncertainty as the original problem, therapy can explore whether uncertainty has developed as a consequence of anxiety, defensive avoidance or an internalised critical response.
In approaches such as Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (ISTDP), particular attention may be given to the relationship between feelings, anxiety and defensive processes. When appropriate, the therapist can help the person recognise how an emerging feeling or wish becomes associated with anxiety and how particular defences interfere with experiencing or expressing it.
This work requires careful attention to emotional capacity. If anxiety becomes overwhelming or the person's ability to reflect on their experience begins to deteriorate, the immediate priority may be helping them regulate and understand what is happening rather than encouraging further emotional exploration.
Mentalisation-based approaches also offer an important perspective, particularly when someone struggles to distinguish their own feelings and intentions from those of another person. Helping individuals maintain an awareness of their own mental states while remaining curious about the experiences of others can support a more stable sense of self within relationships.
The therapeutic relationship itself may become an important setting in which these patterns can be understood. Someone might become anxious about disappointing their therapist, disagreeing with an interpretation or expressing frustration towards them. They may also begin looking to the therapist for answers about what they should do, rather than feeling able to explore and sustain their own position.
When these experiences can be recognised and approached collaboratively, they offer an opportunity to understand how the individual experiences autonomy within relationships.
The therapist's task is not to replace the person's uncertainty with another authority telling them what to think or feel, but to support their growing capacity to recognise, evaluate and remain connected to their own experience.
This can involve discovering that disagreement does not necessarily lead to rejection, that another person's disappointment can be tolerated and that having different feelings does not automatically threaten the relationship.
The work is therefore not simply about encouraging independence or reducing reliance on other people. It concerns developing the capacity to experience oneself as a separate person while remaining emotionally connected, without automatically surrendering one's own position or withdrawing from the relationship.
Working With Emotional Fragility: Building the Capacity for a Separate Will
For some individuals, particularly those experiencing significant difficulties with emotional regulation, exploring independent feelings and wishes can activate anxiety that quickly becomes overwhelming. Within Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (ISTDP), the concept of the fragility spectrum helps therapists understand these differences in emotional capacity. Fragility in this context does not mean personal weakness, nor is it synonymous with borderline personality disorder. It refers to difficulties tolerating and integrating complex emotional experiences without becoming overwhelmed by anxiety or relying on less adaptive psychological defences.
When emotional capacity becomes compromised, someone may experience confusion, difficulty thinking clearly, dissociation or a diminished ability to distinguish their own feelings from those they attribute to another person. In such circumstances, directly encouraging greater emotional expression or independence may inadvertently increase their distress. ISTDP therefore employs a graded approach, in which the therapist carefully monitors anxiety and defensive responses, helping the person develop greater capacity to recognise, regulate and tolerate their feelings before exploring more emotionally demanding conflicts.
This has particular relevance when someone experiences their own will as threatening to an important relationship. Rather than expecting them to immediately tolerate disagreement, anger or the possibility of disappointing somebody, therapy can gradually help them remain connected to their own experience without becoming overwhelmed. As their capacity develops, they may become increasingly able to recognise independent wishes, tolerate the feelings associated with those wishes and maintain a separate psychological position within relationships. The therapeutic task is not simply to help someone exercise their will, but to develop the emotional capacity to experience having a will without needing to retreat from it.
Learning That Separateness Does Not Have to Mean Abandonment
Perhaps the most important distinction in all of this is between separation and abandonment. Although the two experiences can become closely associated, they are not the same thing.
Two people can be psychologically separate without being emotionally disconnected. They can disagree without rejecting one another, experience anger without destroying their relationship and have different wishes without either person's needs becoming invalid.
Developing this capacity involves more than learning to communicate effectively. For someone who has long associated independence with relational danger, it may require gradually becoming able to tolerate the anxiety, guilt, frustration and uncertainty that accompany having a separate psychological position.
This can be particularly difficult when self-criticism has become an established response to independent wishes. The person may need to recognise not only what they want, but also how quickly they begin undermining themselves when that wish appears to conflict with somebody else's expectations.
Over time, psychotherapy may help someone become more able to recognise these processes without automatically following them. They may begin to notice when they are setting aside a preference because they genuinely want to consider another person's needs and when they are doing so primarily to escape the anxiety associated with maintaining their original position.
This distinction creates the possibility of greater psychological freedom.
Rather than continually monitoring other people's reactions to determine what is acceptable, the individual may become increasingly able to recognise their own feelings and consider them alongside those of others.
The aim is not to become indifferent to other people or insist upon getting one's own way. Relationships inevitably involve compromise, consideration and sometimes choosing to prioritise another person's needs.
The difference is that such decisions can increasingly become genuine choices rather than automatic responses to anxiety, guilt or anticipated rejection.
Someone may gradually discover that they can disappoint another person without becoming a bad person, experience anger without becoming destructive and maintain an independent preference without needing to withdraw emotionally from the relationship.
Most importantly, they may begin to experience their own feelings and wishes as legitimate parts of themselves rather than as threats that must continually be controlled.
Can I Be Myself and Still Be Loved?
Fear of abandonment is usually understood as a fear of losing somebody important, but for some people, there may be another fear operating alongside it. The possibility of becoming more fully themselves may feel threatening because their own independence has become associated with the risk of losing attachment, approval or emotional security.
If maintaining relationships has come to require suppressing particular feelings, surrendering independent wishes or continually accommodating others, the development of a separate will may become emotionally complicated.
The person may find themselves caught between wanting to be recognised as an individual and fearing the psychological consequences of expressing that individuality.
The resulting conflict can extend well beyond the immediate fear of somebody leaving. It may influence how someone makes decisions, experiences anger, recognises their needs, responds to criticism and relates to themselves when their wishes differ from those of other people.
In some circumstances, the person may even become their own most persistent source of inhibition, criticising and undermining themselves whenever an independent feeling or intention begins to emerge.
What originally developed as a way of preserving emotional connection can eventually interfere with the very capacity for self-expression that allows relationships to become more mutual and authentic.
This is not an explanation for every presentation of borderline personality disorder, nor is it a difficulty exclusive to BPD. However, it offers a potentially valuable way of understanding how attachment anxiety, guilt, self-criticism, identity and autonomy may become intertwined.
It also invites us to think differently about what psychological independence actually means. Genuine autonomy does not require the absence of attachment, just as emotional closeness does not have to require the surrender of individuality. The two can coexist when a person becomes more able to recognise and sustain their own psychological position while remaining connected to someone else.
Perhaps an important part of psychological change, then, involves discovering that having a separate will need not mean risking the loss of love. Someone can have their own feelings, express their preferences, tolerate disagreement and remain emotionally connected without automatically experiencing themselves as selfish, disloyal or undeserving.
The deeper question may not simply be whether somebody else will abandon us, but whether we have learned to abandon ourselves in order to prevent that possibility.
Understanding how this happens can open the way towards relationships in which closeness no longer depends upon self-suppression, and where being loved does not require giving up the experience of being ourselves.
About the Author
Rick Cox, MBACP (Accred), is a UK-based psychodynamic psychotherapist offering online therapy for adults. His approach is informed by psychodynamic psychotherapy and Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (ISTDP), with a particular interest in the relationship between feelings, anxiety, defences and longstanding emotional patterns. His work explores how early relational experiences, internalised self-criticism and unconscious emotional conflicts can continue to influence the ways people experience themselves and their relationships.
Further Reading and Research
Masterson, J. F. (1985). The Real Self: A Developmental, Self, and Object Relations Approach. Brunner/Mazel. An influential psychodynamic exploration of self-development, separation-individuation and defensive processes associated with difficulties in autonomy.
Hashworth, T., Reis, S., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2021). Personal Agency in Borderline Personality Disorder: The Impact of Adult Attachment Style. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 669512. DOI: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.669512.
De Meulemeester, C., Lowyck, B., & Luyten, P. (2021). The Role of Impairments in Self–Other Distinction in Borderline Personality Disorder: A Narrative Review of Recent Evidence. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 127, 242–254. DOI: 10.1016/j.neubiorev.2021.04.022.
Koivisto, M., Melartin, T., & Lindeman, S. (2022). Self-invalidation in Borderline Personality Disorder: A Content Analysis of Patients' Verbalizations. Psychotherapy Research, 32(7), 922–935. DOI: 10.1080/10503307.2022.2025627.
Matthews, E. L., Marceau, E. M., van Schie, C. C., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2026). Neural Correlates of Personal Agency in Borderline Personality Disorder: An fMRI Investigation Using Attachment-Informed Autobiographical Memories. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 356, 112111. DOI: 10.1016/j.pscychresns.2025.112111.
Melges, F. T., & Swartz, M. S. (1989). Oscillations of Attachment in Borderline Personality Disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 146(9), 1115–1120. DOI: 10.1176/ajp.146.9.1115.
This article explores psychological processes and clinical theories rather than offering a diagnostic explanation. Recognising these experiences does not necessarily indicate borderline personality disorder. Assessment and treatment should always consider the individual's circumstances and wider mental health needs.
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media depth anxiety emotion betterhelp reflections quizzesFrequently Asked Questions About Can I Be Myself and Still Be Loved
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Fear of abandonment is a recognised feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD), although not everyone with the diagnosis experiences it in the same way. For some people, uncertainty within an important relationship can activate intense anxiety, emotional distress or fears of rejection. Psychodynamic theories suggest that earlier relational experiences may sometimes contribute to these expectations, although BPD develops through a complex interaction of psychological, biological and environmental factors.
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Yes. For some people, fear of abandonment can interfere with their ability to recognise or sustain their own preferences, particularly when those preferences differ from somebody else's. An independent wish may initially feel clear but subsequently activate anxiety, guilt or self-criticism. The person may then abandon their original preference to avoid anticipated conflict or rejection. Over time, this pattern can make it increasingly difficult to distinguish personal wishes from the expectations of others.
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Feeling guilty about having independent needs can sometimes reflect internalised expectations about relationships, particularly when someone has learned to associate disagreement or independence with rejection, selfishness or disapproval. From a psychodynamic perspective, a punitive internal critic may contribute to these feelings, even when another person accepts the individual's preferences. This guilt does not necessarily mean that the person has done anything wrong; it may reflect an established pattern of responding to their own needs.
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Yes. Difficulties with identity and self-image are recognised features of BPD, although their presentation varies considerably. Some individuals may struggle to maintain a consistent sense of their own preferences, values or feelings, particularly within emotionally significant relationships. Research also suggests associations between BPD, attachment insecurity and reduced personal agency. However, difficulties with independence are not unique to BPD and do not, by themselves, indicate the presence of a personality disorder.
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Changing your mind after someone has accepted your decision may sometimes reflect anxiety, guilt or self-invalidation rather than a genuine change in preference. Research involving people with BPD has identified instances in which individuals initially expressed their wishes but subsequently undermined or withdrew from them, even without an adverse response from another person. Psychotherapy may help explore what happens emotionally between recognising an independent wish and feeling compelled to abandon it.
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Yes. Abandonment anxiety can arise from anticipated rejection rather than an immediate threat to a relationship. Someone may interpret ordinary disagreements, temporary distance or another person's independence as signs that the relationship is becoming insecure. In some circumstances, internalised expectations about rejection can activate anxiety even when the other person behaves reassuringly. Understanding the difference between an actual relational threat and an anticipated one can be an important part of psychological treatment.
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Some individuals experience a conflict between wanting emotional closeness and fearing the vulnerability that accompanies it. Intimacy may activate concerns about dependence, rejection or losing personal autonomy, while distance can intensify fears of abandonment. This can contribute to alternating patterns of seeking closeness and withdrawing from relationships. However, these behaviours can have many explanations and should not automatically be interpreted as evidence of BPD or an unconscious attachment conflict.
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People-pleasing is not a diagnostic criterion for borderline personality disorder, although patterns of excessive accommodation or self-suppression may occur in some individuals with BPD. People-pleasing can also develop in response to attachment insecurity, anxiety, trauma or longstanding difficulties with self-worth. The important psychological question is whether accommodating others represents a genuine choice or whether fear, guilt and self-criticism make expressing independent wishes feel emotionally unsafe.
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Healthy compromise involves recognising your own preferences, considering another person's needs and making a decision that reflects the circumstances. Abandoning your own needs defensively may involve surrendering a preference primarily to escape anxiety, guilt or anticipated rejection. The distinction is not whether you prioritise another person, but whether you retain the psychological freedom to choose. Understanding this difference can help identify patterns of self-inhibition without treating ordinary consideration for others as problematic.
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Psychotherapy can help people understand how attachment anxiety, self-criticism and defensive processes influence their ability to recognise and express their own feelings. Psychodynamic psychotherapy may explore what happens when independent wishes activate anxiety or guilt, while approaches such as mentalisation-based therapy can support a clearer understanding of one's own mental states alongside those of others. The aim is not simply to become more assertive, but to develop greater emotional freedom and the capacity to remain connected to others without automatically surrendering one's own position.
Written by Rick Cox, MBACP (Accred)
Psychodynamic Psychotherapist, UK & Online
